Block Party

Ace of Taste

2009-12-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

The Ace Hotel's been getting a lot of buzz, and with good reason. Lots of tasty little fat nuggets on offer from April Bloomfield (pork rinds! cheese tarts!) swanky digs and a delightfully emaciated Euro clientele. I'm in!

Click here for my review of the Ace Hotel lobby bar for The L magazine.

Doomsday Funtime

2009-11-29T08:47:00.000-08:00

Here's the online version of a piece I wrote about Futurists for the good folks down at Heeb Magazine. All of these guys were great interview subjects, and I learned a ton about the possibility of psychedelic communion with the natural world WITHOUT committing a federal offense. Enjoy!

*Artwork credit: Adria Fruitos

Roofio

2009-11-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

Berry Park has the potential to get super hip. Check it out the next time you're in the unclaimed territory between Williamsburg and Greenpoint. And check out my latest review for The L!

*Photo Credit: Berry Park

Out of the House

2009-10-08T16:42:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I went easy on this guy. I had a midnight attack of conscience and deleted a paragraph where I called the manager by name and demanded his resignation from the food service industry. My review of Su Casa for The L.

*Photo Credit: Adam "Witchcraft" Au

Insane in the Jane

2009-09-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

Herein lies my review of the Jane Hotel bar. Straight out of an undead fairytale, this is what the heights of New York nightlife can be. Highly recommended!

Garden of A**holes

2009-08-21T03:20:00.000-07:00

In this, my latest bar review for The L, the kickass editors don't touch my work and I get hostile about shoddy service and balls. Check it out!

Photo Credit: Adam "Ricochet" Au

Hotttttt Pixxxxxx

2009-07-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of my Uncle Bob with a camel:

Did you know that the Safe Haven Law in Nebraska has no age limit, so people from all over the country bring their unruly teens and drop them off at hospitals and firehouses? I guess it's better than Option Number One:

This is a very nice picture that I took of an old lady having a conversation with an even older lady. You can see more of my handiwork on my Flickr page:

Here's a shot of me looking great. My friend Travis took it before he got all French and moved to France. Do any artists out there need a muse? I've got to be someone's muse before my spine curvature ossifies.

SHITSHOW

2009-07-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

was my original title for my review of Superdive for The L. Check it out!

*Photo Credit: Adam "Fancy Man" Au

TREE!!!

2009-07-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

This is my interview with Tree, a bartender at the Stonewall Inn, for Metromix New York. This guy had incredible stories, was like 7 feet tall, and looked 50 years old at 70, despite having spent his youth fighting in riots and doing lines in the bathroom of the Crisco Disco with Robin Williams. Seriously this is why I live in New York.

*Photo Credit: Kelly Neal

Killer Queens

2009-06-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

Here's my latest bar review for The L! This one's for Dutch Kills, a fancy bar in a part of Queens that is an unequivocal dump.

*Photo Credit: Adam "Rope-a-Dope" Au

L'Chaim, yo

2009-06-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging for the good Jews down at Heeb magazine now! Check out my first post, regarding a diseased couple.

Packing Meat

2009-05-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

My latest bar review for The L: in which I taste perhaps the most disgusting drink of my life. Not a bad spot overall, though!

675 Bar Review

*Photo Credit: Adam "Dirty Bomb" Au

An Afternoon at the Yacht Club

2009-05-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

My Q&A with Justin Olsen of Gowanus Yacht Club for Metromix NY. These guys were awesome--I could've hung out there all day.

Spill It: Justin Olsen

*Photo Credit: Michael Harlan Turkell

Erin Go Blah

2009-05-19T10:54:00.001-07:00

Here's my latest bar review for The L!

*Photo credit: Adam "Nunchucks" Au

Wine Time

2009-05-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

Here's my interview with the lovely Alie Shaper of Brooklyn Oenology for Metromix New York. Original blog content coming soon (depending on your definition of the word "soon")!

*photo credit Sam Horine

Professionally Drunk

2009-04-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

In case you can't get enough of me, here's my latest bar review for The L Magazine! (Photo credit: the illustrious Adam Au)

Promotion! Promotion!

2009-04-28T12:42:00.001-07:00

Heeb Magazine's Storytelling is tomorrow night! You should go if you're in the New York area. I can't go because I'm going to yet another exclusive, fancy magazine industry party (for the free booze/quirkily charming dark haired dudes with media jobs), but it will be a good time. My friend Brenna will be there and she's pretty cute.

Low Point

2009-04-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I thought a 450 person hotbox would be a good place to make industry contacts, but I went to the High Times Magazine 4/20 celebration on Monday. The only business card I left with was a for a girl who sold hydroponic robots in Vancouver. (Life) lesson learned.

Rites of Spring

2009-04-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of my dog, Martin Van Buren, making out with another dog who is wearing sunglasses. Hail NYC.

Best of The Best!--Lizzi and Ryan Get Married, 4/4/09

2009-04-07T02:13:00.000-07:00

Best Quote: "Bring us those black babies! We love them!" --Laurie Nuell

Best Speech: Mary Block, Maid of Honor

Best Dance: The Dancing Weiss Girls, "This Will Be"

**Honorable Mention: Chris Block, "Billie Jean"

Best Face: beardless Matty Berkowitz

Best Threat: Andy Pesant to dude Genevieve was talking to:

AP: "Do you have a job?"
Guy: "Yes."
AP: "Do you have dental?"
Guy: "Yes."
AP: "Good. Because I'm going to punch you in the face."

Postcards from JB

2009-04-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

I submitted two emails that my mom sent me to the website Postcards From Yo Momma, and they both made it on! One of them, "Don't Worry About Me," is the #8 most popular! Go on the site and vote for them! Big ups, JB!

Here are direct links to my mom's emails, and some back story:

Don't Worry About Me

My mom was trying to guilt me and Gen into picking her up from the airport. It worked!

This is Your Family Honey

I told my mom I was depressed because a cute coworker was leaving the office, and she reminded me how much worse off I could be. Paul had to put Blackie in the freezer 'til he could take her to the pet cemetary on his lunch break. (The names were changed on the site to protect the guilty.) Mama's big time!

Come on. Really?

2009-03-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

Ok I can't handle this. This sign is in the window of the same ladies' sportswear shop that recently encouraged me to "touch (my)self." Their street-facing slogans have gone way beyond the purview of a sportsbra store. It's not that I don't like or agree with what the sign says, but give me a break, Lululemon Athletica. This kind of heavy-handed moralism is not what I'm looking for in my purveyor of yoga-inspired sportswear.

Do Not Pinch Me.

2009-03-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day, ya drunks! The neighborhood is just infested with bagpipers. The pubs are full of laid-off everyjobs, tossing back foamy, green-tinted depression/anxiety/megalomania. As is my tradition, I'm celebrating St. Patrick's Day with my dog, Martin Van Buren, watching this video on repeat:

"Here's Something You Didn't Know About Me"

2009-03-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

You know what makes you sound completely insane? Sharing the most intimate and tragic details of your life with someone that you met five minutes earlier on a temp job at Lincoln Center. I was working backstage a few nights ago at the concert hall, and this lady in a brown tweed pantsuit launched into the tragic death of her cat, Susan, and her mother (in that order) within the first few minutes of our fleeting acquaintance. She had that wispy, very sculpted hair (That's another issue: why do ladies develop such crisp hairdos? Are they inevitable past a certain point?) and very white skin that looked disturbingly moist; like if you touched it you'd make an indentation. When I put Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs down momentarily, she leaned over asked my opinion on a joint memorial prayer card for her mom and the cat. I told her it sounded personal and unique because I am a coward.

Pizza Beagle

2009-02-23T15:26:00.000-08:00

There are animal rights activists picketing in front of the Patsy's Pizzeria at the end of my block. I have no idea why they're there. I don't really want to spend too much time thinking about the possible link between my delicious hot New York-style pies and the sad-eyed St. Bernard on those signs. I'm just going to pretend I never saw it, because it's easier that way. I think you should too.

I Can't Handle This

2009-02-22T07:42:00.000-08:00

I swear this blog won't degenerate to just me complaining about facebook ads, but seriously. What is this about? What is it even advertising? A bear standing in front of a giant honeycomb? "Messages"? Cancer?

In other news, I've learned to cook. I make a chicken lo mein that will knock you on your ass.

I'm Back!

2009-02-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

New York City I'm home again!

I'm Out

2009-02-02T23:32:00.001-08:00

I'm going to Africa today. See you fools later. I'll try and post, but I'll probably be on a safari or learning to spear hunt or something else cool.

The 25 Things Thing

2009-02-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

This chain letter of sorts has been going around facebook. Here, copied and pasted from my profile with absolutely no new content, is my 25 Things:

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1) I have a constant fear of dying and being forgotten. It’s what gets me up in the morning. That and crushes.

2) My new year’s resolution was to Get Super Hot. It’s going pretty well! My strategy thus far has been to subsist primarily on Maker’s Mark and Zone bars and to take the stairs whenever possible.

3) I recently switched to Tom’s of Maine all natural deodorant. It’s almost entirely ineffective. I think I’ve got to just risk the breast cancer and go back to Degree.

4) I had my first kiss when I was 15, in a convent in Spain.

5) At any given moment, I have about 3 or 4 really intense crushes going. I develop them to keep myself entertained.

6) I can’t watch Barack Obama speak without tearing up. It’s going to be a long eight years.

7) Someday Twitter is going to be so fun. Right now it’s an extra step in updating my facebook status. I have it so I can tell people I’m on Twitter.

8) I’m going to Africa on Tuesday. Rwanda, specifically. Not to save it or anything; just to hang out. When I told this to a girl I know who works at the U.N., she responded, “Oh my God! Why? Be very careful.”

9) My brother got married last year to the most incredible girl. I’m so lucky to have her for a sister. They’re having a baby in July—my brother told me he thinks I’m going to be the “wacky aunt.”

10) Sometimes I start to cry when I think about my mom raising three kids by herself after my dad died. It’s usually when I’ve been drinking, but still.

11) I came very close to being arrested for prostitution in Oaxaca, Mexico. I was dating a Mexican guy at the time, and the only reason that the police could conceive of for me hanging out with a guy with brown skin was that I was a whore. It took some fancy talking, but they let me go. When I got back to my homestay, the family told me that the real danger I was in was from the police.

12) I wore my hair pulled back in a really severe bun for about 4 years, from when I was 12 to 16. Whenever I wear it like that now, I revert back a little bit to being an awkward early teen.

13) I went to boarding school at a Benedictine monastery. My senior year, I took a one-on-one tutorial with one of the monks on the apparitions of the Blessed Virgin. It scared me so badly that I started saying the Rosary three times a day in my dorm room and going to Confession twice a week.

14) I was a vegan for three days in college. The worst kind—really smug and disapproving. I broke after I smelled a burger or walked past an Outback Steakhouse or something.

15) I love New York City more than I’ve ever loved a place in my life. I never want to leave. I think one of life’s most moving experiences is driving down the FDR in the middle of the night and seeing the Chrysler Building and the bridges all lit up.

16) Things I’ve talked about on first dates: genetic deformities, drugs I’ve learned about on the show Intervention, ways my pets have died.

17) I have almost no hobbies. Occasionally I knit.

18) I saw Brett Favre’s 100th game at Lambeau Field. It was November in Green Bay—It was maybe -5 degrees. My boyfriend at the time had a flask of mint schnapps Ace-bandaged to his calf that we poured into hot chocolate to keep ourselves warm. There was not an empty seat in the place.

19) I still haven’t packed for Africa.

20) Sometimes I am blown away by my own laziness.

21) I have a lifelong, abiding fear of elevators. I have a vague memory of getting stuck in a Magic Mover at the mall when I was little—maybe that’s where it comes from. Obviously I’ve had to come to terms with it, since I live in New York, but they still really scare me. I used to work in a building with “smart elevators” that shot you up a tube like Augustus Gloop in Willie Wonka. Terrifying.

22) I absolutely hate to shop. My mom buys most of my clothes on eBay.

23) My favorite food in the world is chicken lo mein. I could eat it every meal, every day.

24) I can mimic accents really well. I was in a play in London, and these people from the Royal Shakespeare Company came up to me in the pub afterwards and said that they couldn’t believe I was American. Sometimes I go into stores and talk with a Southern accent just for the hell of it. The salespeople are usually a lot nicer when I do.

25) I accidentally lit my hair on fire one night in that pub in London. Everyone started beating me on the head with books and jackets. Seriously, who puts an open candle in the window in a bar?

More Facebook Ads

2009-01-30T02:03:00.000-08:00

These people are so strapped for cash that they're giving away their dogs to any psychopath serial killer that buys a tennis bracelet. Great idea, Jeri. Nothing inspires consumer confidence like total desperation.

What in the name of all that is good and holy is going on atop this cookie?

I Know Someone Who Touched Barack Obama

2009-01-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

This is a picture from the AP of my friend Chris and his roommate Eric kicking it old school with the 44th President of the United States. I have no idea how these two clowns pulled this off, but I am impressed.

This Deserves Its Own Post

2009-01-23T10:04:00.000-08:00

This is just nutty. We got this bottled water for the Tiger Limo this weekend: it's called Mountain Valley Spring. And people buy it! Without pause! Whoever came up with it must've been banking on the laziness/gullibility of the American people at large, and it worked. I mean, I bought it. But it can't be all three! This water is either from a mountain, a valley, or a spring. Most likely it is from a municipal tap.

Well done, bottled water company. This is the Freedom Medal of Valor of beverages.

Tiger Limo: Lizzi's Swingin' Key West Bachelorette (A Photo Essay)

2009-01-20T17:07:00.000-08:00

YESSSSuh! New "Expert Traveler" Line at La Guardia!

2009-01-16T13:40:00.000-08:00

Check it out! I saw this sign at the security checkpoint on my way home to Florida this morning for my cousin's swingin' Key West bachelorette. Someone from TSA must've finally heard me muttering unkind things about people with beverages, jewelry, gifts, hats, arthritis, babies, lace-up shoes, walkers, etc. (Idiots!)

My question is this, though: who voluntarily gets in the "I'm a total goofball" line? There were like 20 people in it this morning.

Making Poor Choices

2009-01-15T07:47:00.000-08:00

Get out your mukluks, kids! It's balmy high of 21 today in the Big Apple. The frosty temps didn't stop me from going to the corner bodega this morning with wet hair that immediately froze into long brown icicles sprouting out of my head, though. If anyone asks, you can tell them I am totally hardcore.

Current State of Affairs

2009-01-09T00:17:00.000-08:00

Tell you what, folks. "Working from home" will take your sleep schedule, gut-punch it, twirl it around in the air a couple times and then choke-slam it onto a concrete sidewalk full of bottles and crushed up Lunestas.

I have been catching up on my correspondence, though.

Is It Just Me

2009-01-06T03:08:00.001-08:00

or does this sound like a nightmare:

Also, yes. Yes I am. (Jazzercise is BACK!):

Facebook ads, man. I think I'm going to get into advertising, if only to aid the industry in exploding in a fiery ball of its own lack of self-awareness.

You Guys Look Silly

2009-01-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

Is a bar an appropriate place for Reiki therapy? The good people of Williamsburg, BK seem to think so, or at least one Bedford Avenue-based couple did. I think the guy was using the Mystery method. Kino escalating.

It's Here

2009-01-01T06:09:00.000-08:00

Taking Pictures in the Bathroom

2008-12-31T08:57:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I walked into the girl's bathroom in the basement of my favorite drinking hole on the West Side, and there was a group of about 10 ten girls in the there, posing and taking photos of themselves in front of the stalls. They kept talking about how "hot" the bathroom was. It's not. It's so filthy they don't put lights in over the toilets so you don't have to witness the squalor you're dangling yourself over. Then one girl said "This (bathroom?) is so meta." Also not. If the bathroom were inside of another, bigger bathroom made of discarded Reynolds Wrap, maybe.

What was the point of this? Is this some kind of Internet phenomenon? Large groups of girls taking pouty pictures of themselves in the bathrooms of dive bars?

PS: Saw Liza at the Palace last night! What a survivor.
PPS: New Year's Eve status update--plans slightly firmer. Like, the consistency of a flan.

Looking Toward the New Year

2008-12-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

Got any big, awesome plans for New Year's? I don't. Should I wander around lower Manhattan trying to find a decent hole for a bourbon and a relative stranger to kiss at midnight? Should I go to my friend's friend's boyfriend's party in Queens? Should I gather my little ragtag band together to watch New Year's Rockin' Eve on my couch and make mean-spirited cracks about Fergie's appearance? You tell me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2008-12-25T05:51:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas you people! Have a great day! Don't drink too much or say things that are racist.

Oh Come On!

2008-12-23T00:09:00.001-08:00

Inappropriate, South Miami Hollister store location! Could you slap some board shorts on your ultra-chiseled man stand? For me? It's Christmas. I felt inclined to shield my young cousin's eyes from this yuletide spectacle after a family outing to see film-of-the-year Four Christmases last night. What a world.

PS: I'm changing the name of this blog to "Fun With Feigned Moral Outrage."

Animals That Are Sluts

2008-12-21T08:30:00.001-08:00

Did you know that a girl dog can have a single litter of puppies with a bunch of different fathers? My brother and sister-in-law just got a puppy that's a mix of American bulldog and something else, and I saw some of the other puppies from the same litter last night, and something funky was definitely going on in the genetics department. I swear one of them looked like his dad was a cat. What a hobag.

You ok?

2008-12-19T22:13:00.001-08:00

Are we all alright after high school? Did we all make it? These are the kinds of things I worry about.

Future Family Members Of Note

2008-12-14T15:04:00.000-08:00

Lizzi and Ryan were here this weekend, which was, of course, the funnest. Ryan went to Duane Reade this morning for us and came back with all the stuff he'd bought in a Hefty Cinch-Sak. It didn't strike him as strange at all--he said "I guess they ran out of bags" and walked into the other room to fold up a pool cue. Here's Lizzi in her Yogi Bear/Louis Vuitton pj's ("It's Yogi...and Louis Vuitton!") with the bag:

Weird. Then again we are talking about this guy:

Stuff From My Job

2008-12-10T18:46:00.000-08:00

These Israeli pretzels can be found at the newsstand at my work. I don't even like pretzels, but these Long Thick Sesame Sticks are otherworldly delights. Poor translation from the Hebrew, though, I think. I'm guessing the original descriptor sounded a lot less porny. Also, whoever's missing their Moses and the Ten Commandments bobblehead, I found it on my desk.

Things I Spend Time Getting Worked Up About

2008-12-07T09:53:00.000-08:00

This ad from the New York Lotto is absolutely horrible. Here are several reasons why:

1) What newsstand guy wants lottery tickets for Christmas? If he wanted a lottery ticket, he'd turn around and take one off the wall of his newsstand, where he sells lottery tickets. No need to buy "Shop 'Til You Drop" from him only to turn around and give it right back. Trite, treacly, ultimately pointless. Fail.

2) That lady is the human embodiment of a black licorice gumdrop.

3) This is obviously a Christmas commercial, but NYL won't say "Merry Christmas." I'm not a thumping War-on-Christmas lunatic, but no one actually says "Happy Holidays" unless they're trying to sound like a jerk.

4) Like Phil Collins, who I also can't stand, this ad is everywhere.

If, miraculously, you haven't seen this ad, watch anything on Hulu. Or take a cab.

PS: NEW LOOK!

Modern Plights

2008-12-06T20:19:00.001-08:00

Can we talk about how annoying bathroom attendants are? I never bring my wallet with me to the bathroom because I don't plan on paying for anything. Then the whole time I'm in there I'm dreading the imminent awkward moment after I wash my hands when I take the towel handed to me and say "thank you"--mostly to the floor--then leave as quickly as I can without taking a mint or spraying on aerosol deodorant like I want to because I know those things are for the people who give the attendant a dollar and not for cheap selfish assholes like myself.

Also, as a bathroom attendant, you must know that your job is the most pointless one on earth outside of MC Hammer's entourage.

Sweet Porcine Lovin'

2008-11-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

A famous man just gave me a piece of chocolate-covered bacon. It is crunchy, feral bacon--Christmas morning bacon from the smokehouse in Vermont--curled in on itself and covered in a generous sheath of sharp, unapologetically dark chocolate. Oh Dear God Yes, men's lifestyle magazine!

Swag Hag

2008-11-18T14:45:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of me looking great with a bunch of free junk we got in the mail today. It's from my friend Brenna's website, brennaehrlich.com. On a scale of one to delicious, I would rate that StoveTop a 3.2.

Bite-Sized Nuggets

2008-11-16T04:45:00.000-08:00

I got a Twitter! You can follow me on Twitter (over there -->)! I promise never, ever to call anything a tweet. xxM

Hey Mary!

2008-11-13T07:21:00.000-08:00

It's me, Giant Air Rat! Have a great day at work today, k? And make sure my giant outstretched rat claws and huge glowing red eyes stay in your mind all day. Laterzzzzz.

How To Be Better At Your Life

2008-11-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

My friend Andy, probably the coolest person I know, has started a blog. Have you ever felt like you should be cooler than you are? Read his blog for some great tips!
Also, he said he'd buy me a coyote hat if I got him some traffic.

http://iinmigas.typepad.com/

Hot Style for Cold Weather

2008-11-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

I came across this hat while shopping for great fashions on the Internet.

"From reenactments of famed mountain man triumphs along the frontier, to displays and decor befitting America's pioneers and settlers, the classic styling and authentic coyote hide make this hat a conversation starter at any gathering."

Here's what other people who bought the coyote hat had to say:

"This hat was purchased for myself as a present for surviving getting hit by a car. It is very warm." (5 stars)

"very well done. used the coyote hat on real models for oil painting .I would recommend this product to anyone who needs this type of product." (5 stars)

"I have purchased a number of fur hats in my day but this is by far the warmest and most comfortable. Not only does it keep the back of my head warm but you can wrap the legs around your face to block the wind. The only reason this hat did not receive 5 stars is due to the fact that I was attacked by a bird thinking it was wounded prey while I was out for a walk. A rare but unfortunate occurrence when wearing an animal pelt on your head. Also great in the rain." (4 stars)

Here's a link to the company's website so you can buy your own.

**Thanks Ali!

Halloween at the Airport

2008-11-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

I spent my Halloween at LaGuardia Airport, which has a mouse problem that is not small.
A mouse I named Kristy Yamaguchi was my major source of holiday entertainment. She ate popcorn kernels and Buncha Crunch with two hands and scamped in and out of a hole in gate C5 as my flight to Miami became increasingly delayed and my personal status changed from crying to not crying and then back to crying. It was super fun for me and for everyone around me. Also the loudspeaker guy kept making chatty anouncements about "holding patterns" and "rush hour at LaGuardia," which, heads-up, is all day, every day. When he started calling group numbers I was seriously about to throw a dead cat at the guy until I saw that he was dressed in a purple velvet pimp suit with zebra-striped lapels and matching fedora. Then I proposed to him and we got married and now we have two beautiful children and a duplex in Queens.

PS: ELECTION FEVER KIDS!!!

You Can Vote However You Like

2008-10-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

I've tried to keep this blog apolitical (and it has not been easy), but this is a must-post. Call me after this youtube blows your mind.

More Great Tips!

2008-10-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

Here are some other things to do when you are more bored than is preferable:

--Shave words into the back of your head.

--Make a great lip balm by mixing Vaseline, some perfume, and a tub of cherry-pomegranate Crystal Light.

--Really exfoliate.

--Taste foods advertised for pets.

--Make a list of all of your crushes by height or by attainability.

--Sandbag your intersection.

--Boil your toothbrush in vinegar.

--Cry.

Boatload of Crazy

2008-10-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I passed a guy sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk, meditating with his eyes closed next to a pair or mandals. "Lookin' crazy!" I said to myself and also out loud. Then I looked down and remembered that I was dressed like Zelda Fitzgerald from cloche hat to knotted pearls to t-strap shoes at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon. We're in it together, New York.

I Don't Know Why This Happened

2008-10-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

I don't know why a giant rabbit in a blue tuxedo was leading a fist-pumping mob down Broadway tonight, but I'll tell you I loved every minute.

Wear It On the Outside

2008-10-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

I saw a guy walking down the street today dressed like Aldous Huxley. Impressive! I think this is a great way to project an appreciation for literary figures and a general inability to talk to girls.

I'm going to start dressing like my favorite author.

Anyone Else Think This Is Weird?

2008-10-21T17:34:00.001-07:00

I took this picture today on my way to work--I walk past this store every day. I'm not a puritan or anything, but a little strange, no? Plus what does that have to do with sportswear?

Hours of Flowers

2008-10-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday me and JFK's second life cabbed it to Brooklyn at midnight after the Maria Bamford(!) show to dance in a tube and guess who was on decks at Hugs? J.D. Samson! Everyone's favorite intergender dance punk phenomenon spun phat beats to me and Nick's chilly little hearts' content. Were you doing a pretty believable Ian Curtis with some aggro hipsters dressed like the Shining Path last night? I was.

The all-consuming interest in Brandon Flowers continues. If you're wondering what I'm doing with my life at any given point in the foreseeable future, it's watching this video.

From Total to Relative Obscurity

2008-10-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

Say it ain't so, Joe!

Holy Moley

2008-10-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

If this guy wasn't already married with a baby I would totally marry him and have his baby. Dark but boyish charm? Eye-lined sensitivity? Palpable awkwardness? Check! Check! Check!

Did Someone Get the Chili?

2008-10-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

I went back to the south this weekend, this time to watch my brother marry the girl of his dreams and do the hustle with 205 of my closest friends. It was a hell of a throwdown, financed with abandon by Mama and the family of the bride. In a last-ditch effort to save a few bucks on our way down the mountain, Mom opted not to buy the 5 dollars of gas needed for the final pull into the Charlotte airport. Instead we coasted in on fumes with the A/C off, the windows up (less drag), and a cup of takeout chili steaming in the back seat. Did that stop me from wearing the same clothes again to work today? No it did not.

Did you know you can't get a cup of tap water on a plane anymore? It's the $2.00 bottle of Spring! or nothing. In further gripes, would it kill them to throw one of those bags with three peanuts in it at you? There is not a scrap of food in the sky these days.

My God I'm a crank.

Here's a video of me and my family from this weekend:

Insight in Transit

2008-10-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

Wise Words To Go

Here's some unsolicited advice I've gotten from taxi drivers in the past two weeks:

1) "If some guy says to you 'Honey you so sweet. I'll take out, buy you dinner.' Bullshit. Wait 2 months. He says 'I won't tell my friends. Come to my place downtown.' Bullshit. He'll be on the telephone the next day."

2) "Don't eat in a restaurant. The food is poison. Cats, rats, whatever they find."

3) "You should definitely go to Palestine."

Something in the Air

2008-09-25T18:36:00.001-07:00

Pull out the coats, kids! The chilly nip of fall and of fiscal armageddon are upon us. Chin up, Barney Frank.

Just So You Know

2008-09-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

Today in the bathroom of my new, shiny workplace I was reading a can of Oust. This is what the warning label of any can of Oust in the US will tell you:

There's nothing before or after this instruction about birds of any kind. So you know, make sure to remove all of your previously unacknowledged birds.

What?

Then there's this, which I won't get into:

Come on. Gross. Oust needs some major rebranding.

Unnerving, Violent

2008-09-15T09:11:00.001-07:00

Why are stewardesses always hacking away at a block of ice in the back of planes? Do airlines buy their ice in one big chunk?

xoxo

2008-09-06T18:14:00.001-07:00

Just Throw On Any Old Rag

2008-09-05T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm very ill-at-ease about the dress code at my new place of work. Not enough jobs require complete sartorial overhauls.

Working Girl

2008-09-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day at my new job. If you're wondering how many times I spilled food on myself, it's 3.

Spoiler Alert! Brideshead Revisited

2008-08-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

I am just spewing with joy these days because my friend Simone has moved to the city. She's my roommate from college; a good old pal and a girl's girl who will go with me to see Brideshead Revisited. We did that the other night, and whatever textual shortcomings it might have, the new Brideshead's an aesthetically flawless film. Really beautiful. It's slow as hell, though. Expanses of time where very nearly nothing happens. So the presence of a heckler (or maybe not so much a heckler as a very vocal and enthusiastic audience member) was really jarring. Hissing, guffaws, the whole thing. And prompted by dialogue like, "I wish I were (fond of wine). It's such a bond with other men. At Oxford I tried to get drunk once or twice - but I didn't enjoy it." And the actor playing Charles, who seriously never moves a facial muscle throughout the entire movie, kisses Julia in Venice and this clown 4 rows back is like "Oh shit! Oh no he didn't! He did not just go there." Yes, he did. Also, pipe down you are watching fucking Brideshead Revisited.

HUMILIATED AT WORK, Part III

2008-08-22T08:43:00.001-07:00

Today in the hallway Yvonne, our cleaning lady, was screaming and jumping up and down at the news of the Jamaican relay victory. I can relate. Not that I'm Jamaican, but how can you not flip out about these runners? This video of Shelly Ann Fraser ("the youngest, the shortest, the least experienced") had me crying (and humiliated) at work on Monday. Maybe I need a mood stabilizer or something.

What Is This?

2008-08-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

What goes on at Jiffy Lube? Sounds clownish and vile.

Back in Black

2008-08-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

I'm back in New York! I took a long sojourn in the Midwest, where I got caught on an elevated train platform in a tornado and learned that my uncle steals the Gideon Bible from hotel rooms. Yep! Family time is fun time. Nothing really thrilling has happened since I've gotten back, but I thought I'd check in. Today it is raining in a terrifying way, and when I turned onto my street I saw someone who seriously looked like that person in back of the diner in Mulholland Drive. Chilling. I will not include a picture of the person from in back of the diner in Mulholland Drive because it will give you nightmares.

Vacation '08-- Back in the Big Wis

2008-08-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Getting Emotional Over Whitney at the Nail Salon

2008-08-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

Today I went to ubiquitous NYC beauty chain Dashing Diva to get a pedicure. Getting a pedicure is a long, boring, expensive process that stops being optional during the summer months. It also carries this awkwardly post-colonial sense of servility-- I sit on a kind of hot pink throne while some poor lady's enthusiastically bathing and massaging a part of my body that I barely want to deal with. At DD they have these videos of hit songs and performances by today's pop divas that they play on repeat--this summer I've seen Celine Dion, Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez sing every song they've ever recorded, twice. Today's diva was Whitney Houston. Her video consisted of nostalgic '80's MTV and scenes from The Bodyguard. About halfway through the pedicure process, they showed a clip of her singing the National Anthem at some sporting event in 1990 that was followed by a fighter jet air show. When she got to the part about "gave proof through the night/that our flag was still there" I started tearing up. Seeing her there in her white sweatsuit and cotton headband, belting her heart out made me feel intensely patriotic ("Who'd have thought those Puritans would make it?") and really sad about the wreck that Whitney's life has become. I thought about her gospel roots, her relation to Dionne Warwick. Clearly choking back tears, I said to pedicurist Rosa, "Isn't she just great?" Rosa, applying top coat, looked up, shrugged, and asked me if I was getting a manicure too. "No, that's ok. Thanks Rosa." I knew I had at least 20 minutes left under the heat lamps, and I didn't know if I was going to hold up through another version of "I Will Always Love You." Whitney, what happened?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

Eye of a Hurricane/Listen to Yourself Churn

2008-07-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

The spinny click-click thing on my iPod just broke while I was running in Central Park, so I could only access my first playlist, "80's Jamzzzzzz." I've been listening to "Smooth Criminal" and "Funkytown" on a loop for like 45 minutes.

Things That Make Sense But Are Just Hideous

2008-07-29T23:09:00.000-07:00

The glamour of a dress; the freedom of a pant.

Sick Beats

2008-07-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday this albino guy got on the F train and rapped all the way from Dumbo to Upper Manhattan. It was mindblowing. He was just sitting in his seat, wearing dad jeans and a polo shirt and providing his own backbeat, like "what? what? what? what? what?" "He-ey!" He didn't pause once; he just kept rapping to himself.

*Note: It was NOT Brother Ali.

How I Spend My Free Time

2008-07-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got really nervous thinking about all of the embarrassing things in my life that haven't happened yet. There will be so many times when I am just mortified.

I Can't Stop Myself

2008-07-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

Two days ago the girl sitting next to me on the train moved seats because I kept putting Chiquitita on repeat and I guess she could hear it through my earphones.

"Are you a swim coach? Because you look like a swim coach."

2008-07-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

A lady just came into the office selling American Express cards and said that to me. Do you think I look like a swim coach?

Street Meat!

2008-07-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

Like so many New Yorkers before me, I've started eating food from carts. I'm hooked! I get my lunch every day at Dumbo Grillo, which serves up delicious, spicy halal chicken over rice for $5 in an earth-forsaking styrofoam box. I order it with lots of yogurt and hot sauces. So good! Thanks to Adam for telling me about Dumbo Grillo and also for this lovely picture, which he took of his lunch last week:

*Editor's note: Friend Adam points out that the word "spicy" is misleading. The chicken has a lot of spices on it but it is not spicy in the colloquial sense.

See That Girl, Watch That Scene

2008-07-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to Boston to visit my friend Nick and prance around singing ABBA. These were the major themes and topics of discussion:

1) Mamma Mia

If you go and see Mamma Mia and you don't like it, you're pretty much bad at being human. This movie-going experience was phenomenal, despite the unnerving fact that me and my drunk friends were the only ones singing in a very staid Boston Commons theater.

2) St. Germain
St. Germain liqueur is unendingly delicious--like drinking perfume but in a good way, not in a searing, rubbing alcohol way. Highly recommended for your next summertime delight!

3) cupcakes

OMG cupcakes are BACK! These cupcakes are made of sweaters, but that's not the case with the sugary treats that friend Nick will be peddling at Boston bakery Sweet come September. I want red velvet!

4) Jordan Catalano

Remember this guy? Before he got all eye-lined and was just a dreamy, elusive teen rocker on My So-Called Life? Nick's cat is also named Jordan Catalano, which is all kinds of topical and clever.

5) Boyfriends

Now I'm back in the New York groove and hoping Nick and Dan will come down and see me soon. Thanks for the hospitality, boys!

Brush With Fame

2008-07-21T07:44:00.000-07:00

As I was leaving the building where I work on Friday, this guy was coming in:

He was wearing a porkpie hat and looked irritable and short. Seriously why are famous people so short?

I Was Thinking

2008-07-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

Hey remember a few years ago when everyone made a big deal about popping or not popping your collar? There was an "Anti-Popped Collar Club" on facebook, and I assume there was a Popped club as well. Do we still care about that? Do people still pop?

Also, what is ice milk? Has anyone ever eaten it? When I hear the name I just think of those gross shards you get in your cereal when your refrigerator's too cold.

I should rename this blog Stuff I Think About While I'm Waiting For Chinese Food.

Doo-Dana!!

2008-07-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

My aunt Laurie owns one of these. She wears it in the summer when she's feeling hot or rebellious. Sometimes I wear it too.

Bad Tattoo, Part One

2008-07-11T13:12:00.000-07:00

In this new series I will tell you about a bad tattoo that I saw today. On the F train I saw a lady with an anklet tattoo made out of cats playing on a ring of grass. They had outfits on--they looked like the cats on those stickers I used to get at the pediatrician. The were looking innocent but frisky and tumbling around, permanently, on her flesh. It was maybe the worst tattoo I've ever seen.

I Know Right?

2008-07-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

Somebody put me on a youtube comedy listserv and now I don't leave my house.

A Walk With Ben, Or, Logic Triumphs Again

2008-07-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

Ben: What's that lady's story?

Me: She's a professional pig walker.

Ben: Mary, that's not real.

Me: She just told me she was.

Ben: I find that hard to believe.

Me: Why? It's not like she wasn't walking two pigs on a leash when she told me that.

Ben: Do you seriously think she makes a living walking pigs, only?

For Your Monday Surprise

2008-07-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

I kind of wanted to just post this picture by itself but credit must be given where credit is due. Thanks, dear friend Ben, for directing me to Curbed's coverage of the Times Square promotion of the new movie Meet Dave, in which this giant disembodied head played a prominent role. Pictured, Eddie gets caught in traffic on the way out of town.

Fruit of the Vine

2008-07-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

Here's what: I went to the North Fork of Long Island yesterday to enjoy Carvel cake, amateur fireworks and someone else's family. Pretty great. Today I went to some wineries, and I really can't say enough about that. Highly recommended. Rieslings, Cabernet, all that stuff was great. I learned a lot about wine; mainly that you don't have to spit it out after you taste it. Thanks, Steph and Ryan, for the tour of your lovely hometown and for being "those people" on the carousel with me. I'm coming back soon and we're all going to Splish Splash.

4th of July

2008-07-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate the birth of our nation. I'll be doing that by watching La Dolce Vita on my macbook and drinking bourbon by myself.

Urban Fantasy

2008-07-02T14:43:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had such a great New York moment. I was waiting in Tompkins Square Park for a friend to get out of work, reading a collection of DH Lawrence short stories that I never got around to in twelfth grade English. There were some young parents nearby pushing squealing toddlers on a swing, and across the walk three homeless crackheads were arguing over an ID card that one of them had found in the bushes. It was about dusk; there was a soft breeze. One of the crack addicts started shouting "I'm going to fuck you up!", so I decided I'd had enough sociological idealization for one afternoon and packed it off to the bar. But it was a great coming-together of East Village Old and New.

Most Peculiar Mama

2008-06-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

Nutty Things That Happened Today (in tidy, bite-size list format):

1) A crazy man called and I had to talk him out of throwing two of Magazine's sidewalk boxes in the dumpster outside his apartment. I hope I succeeded--I'm not fishing them out.

2) I talked to the world's most famous porn star for an hour and a half. He called me sweetheart.

3) I walked out of work and into a kind of post-apocalyptic Pompeiian nightmare. They are filming some New York-Gets-Destroyed movie outside the building where I work and the film crew had covered the street and a cop car with what looked like volcanic ash. I guess I'll find out exactly what it was when Eruption premieres next summer. Prepare. To. Get. Molten.

I hope I never have to leave this city.

Addicted To Love

2008-06-30T09:04:00.001-07:00

For whatever reason I came to work today dressed like a Robert Palmer girl. My scalp hurts.